instagram pinterest linkedin facebook twitter goodreads

Occasional and Occasionally Funny Blog by June

Goals for the New Year 2018!

I am sitting down to dream up my goals for the year. Honestly, I think the Prime Goal of the New Year is to experiment.

No, no.

The Prime Goal and Directive #1 is to Not Fall Into the Mouth of an Active Volcano and get moltenized by molten rock. I imagine molten rock being something like a pan of hot caramel, which I've heard is unusually thick and impossibly hot and likely to hurt if you get it on your skin.

After the goal of Not Falling into the Mouth of an Active Volcano, my next goal would be to Not Be Eaten by a Band of Wolves. I do live in the woods, of course. But actually, we don’t have bands of wolves here so I’m probably okay. We do have bands of coyotes and you can hear them howling at night but I’m usually in bed when they are roaming around howling and whatnot, and I admit they are unlikely walk across our deck and knock on the door and then find their way up the stairs to the bedroom where I am lying-- so I would guess that the odds of being eaten by a band of wolves or even their relative, the coyote, are a manageable set of odds.

The next goal after Not Falling into the Mouth of an Active Volcano, and Not Being Eaten by a Band of Wolves, would be to avoid working at a Candy Factory in the Assembly Line. I just wouldn’t enjoy those candies coming down the conveyor belt so fast that I stuff them into my mouth for lack of a better place to put them. I’m not one of those Teddy Bears you can buy without stuffing in them and then you stuff them full. I’m pretty full to being with. Candy is not fluffy. Actually, I like candy; I like it a lot, so I’d hate to be in a situation that was made Terrible because of Too Much Candy Coming Too Fast. So, yes, I will try my darnedest to avoid that too.

My next goal for the New Year, a super duper really important goal, would be to eat more soup. Also, avoid swallowing swords as a sideshow showman. I hope to avoid becoming the Amazing Lizard Man, The Incredible Bearded Woman, or the Boy Raised by Monkeys. I hope to Drown My Sorrows in Cheese and Wait Until It’s My Turn to Go, and also Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

If I have room left for any more New Year’s Goals I would pick Hugging My Cat Until He Hated Me, and Sharing My Soup With My Husband Whenever Possible. I would add Trying Not to Wear Out the Heels in All My Socks, and Blinking Before I Poked Myself In the Eye.

I have no idea if I will be successful in this New Year but it’s important to have goals. Also, soup. It’s important to wear Socks Without Holes especially on cold days like this one. And most importantly, it’s important to not fall into the mouths of Active Volcanoes (I do not know about the risks in falling into Inactive Volcanoes, but I may as well try to avoid that this year as well.)

Happy New Year. And may your goals be achievable and involve good socks and reasonable quantities of soup and cats.

Be the first to comment